It has been just over two months since we said goodbye to our sweet boy and I haven’t had the courage to write this post yet. I’m not sure I’m writing it to let folks know or because it’s therapeutic for me.
After Finn had his last chemo treatment, I could tell something was majorly off. He came home restless and in pain. He had progressive bruising down his back left leg over the next couple days and I didn’t know if he had injured himself somehow at the vet or if this was a blood count issue from the chemo. It was Sunday night and I could hardly get him up to go outside. I sat there with him sobbing. I just knew this was the end of the road. I couldn’t possibly keep him in anymore pain. He had fought – and fought hard – but I swore to myself after we struggled so bad after amputation that I would never keep him in pain because I couldn’t find the strength to say goodbye.
The next day was July 20, my daughter’s second birthday. It was supposed to be a wonderful day, but instead I rushed Finn into the vet that morning. He looked so defeated. When they looked him over, they suggested some possible issues including the giant lipoma on his back. They went ahead and took xrays of his chest where several large mets were revealed. It was all worst case scenario. As I sat there on the floor with his giant, perfect head lying in my lab, I sobbed and called my husband. I told him everything and that we had to let him go.
The grief in the last two months has come in waves. I’ve questioned everything we did, or didn’t do, or didn’t do soon enough. I’ve prayed that he knew we did everything we could to save him. He was the biggest and best personality in our house and life will certainly never be the same without him. The best way I know how to cope is be so thankful that he was ours for almost seven wonderful years.
As I’ve had time to reflect on it all, I can’t possibly put into words the gratefulness I have for the Tripawds community. What everyone does here to support one another is amazing and truly life-saving. Jerry (Rene), thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you have created and do. Stacy, you have been such a wonderful friend and support person from the beginning through Finn’s journey and the after pains. I hope Griffin continues to kick cancer’s butt! I would also like to give a shout out to Dr. Mamula and the Yale vaccine group who are not only working hard on a treatment for this awful disease, but also just genuinely kind and caring people.
My mom had a sterling bracelet made for me with Finn’s name engraved and the quote, “You were my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye.” See you on the other side, Bubbie.
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